Choosing to Trust.

I woke up to incredibly sad news. News that shakes you to the core. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Rewind to last night, while I was perusing Facebook, like I always do when the kiddos are asleep, I came across an amber alert. My heart sank. Any Mama knows that feeling. You see any kind of missing person picture and all you see looking back at you, is your own precious child. I froze in absolute terror. This poor little girl was just playing outside in her neighborhood and a monster came along, put her in his truck, and she was gone. This is the 3rd story of this kind of abduction I've heard in two weeks. It's too much. I can't take the thought. I can't even begin to stomach it. The helplessness that mother must have felt, the fear, the pain. I just can't.

 I shared the alert, and honestly just couldn't shake the girl from my mind, I just prayed and prayed asking God to give her courage to jump from the car, to fight, to scream and to run. I prayed for wisdom for the police and comfort for the family. 

Still burdened, I looked up the case this morning and heard the terrible news, they found the little girl's body and arrested the alleged monster who did it, he just happens to be a man who worked with kids at a middle school as a coach. The monster worked with kids everyday. Our world is so sick. So very, very sick. 

Anxiety and fear came rushing in like a tidal wave, I was engulfed and looking for a way out. So I took the natural way and made an alliance with fear, and decided my children will never leave my side, ever. No Kindergarten next year, no playing outside, no church functions, nada. Just home in a closet, and maybe they'll leave when they're 25. What other choice is there? I just kept going in circles in my mind, and the more I thought about it, the further down I went. I honestly almost had a panic attack. Fear was crippling me. 

When you become a mother, this instinct arises in you, I would literally go crazy on someone to protect my kids. There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect them. So the thought of someone taking them, and me being helpless to save them, is just unbearable. I just kept going around in my mind, playing out scenarios and allowing myself to be paralyzed with fear.

This went on for a few hours. Then, the Holy Spirit began to nudge. And I fought, like I usually do, I'm quite the donkey sometimes. Hooves in the ground having to be dragged to do what God is asking of me. This morning he was asking me to trust in Him. But honestly it's so hard to trust Him, it seems easier to hold tightly to my kids and try to protect them myself. I want to be their security. 

Then this song came on and I heard these words, and His peace came.

"From a baby's first cry, to the last breath.
Every fight in our minds, every victory dance.
You've always been there.

Ancient one, so amazing, unfailing, you are Holy One, 
Overwhelming my heart with your love. 

Yahweh, Yahweh, faithful God you're here to stay.
Yahweh, Yahweh, Forever and always the same." 

Yahweh. The Great I AM. He has always been here, and always will be. 

From the time my babies were in the secret place of my womb and he was knitting them together, He was there. 

The moment they took their first breath, He was there. 

The times of joy, sickness, grief, firsts, hurt, and everything in between, He has ALWAYS been there, and will ALWAYS be there. 

We dedicated them back to Him, placed them in His giant hands, and we declare that He a plan for their lives and it's good. We trust in His name.

And no matter what happens, good or bad, He is always with them. 

And he is always with me. 

Over and over in scripture you read "fear not", the Lord knew that there is much in this world that we could chose to fear, but he reminded me this morning that He has over come the world. We may face horrible tragedy in our time on earth, but we have the promise that He will be with us through it, and whatever circumstance my children have to walk through He will be faithful to walk with them, as well. He is faithful. I had to, once again, lay my children at His feet this morning. Trusting their precious lives to Him. He is their hope, shield and strength. 

dear 16 year old me....

Dear 16 year old me,

     Wow, I didn’t realize how hard it would be just to even type those words. Tears falling already. Right now you are in the middle of your Sophomore year. You just got out of the crazy hospital (as you call it) and the depression is so bad right now. One of the doctors slipped and told Dad one of your deepest hurts, the night at the park, the unspeakable act, now everyone knows and you feel WORTHLESS, and forever stained. The words that have been spoken over you, by the boys in that terrible neighborhood, you believe them to be true. 

School is completely down the drain, where you once excelled, your now in independent studies and so far behind, you’re not sure you’ll ever make it through. Life is filled with every depression drug they can shove down your throat, group therapy sessions, drugs and alcohol, and a desperation to find acceptance in boys that you’ll almost do anything to find it. I remember how you feel, and I wish I could reach back with the mother’s heart I have now (yes child, I said MOTHER’s heart, hold on, OUR story is about to change) and pick you up and hold you, and tell you every thing is going to work out WAY better than you EVER could have imagined. Someone is coming who will fill all those empty places and He will bring you the HOPE you so desperately  need. 

The rest of high school doesn’t get much better. Your senior year you end up with a boy who will tear you from your family, abuse you, and make you feel like you are more worthless than you already feel. One good thing comes out of that millennium year that is awesome: YOU GRADUATE. Yes, by the skin on your teeth you make it.  For a graduation present, you go with Scott and Theresa on a trip of a lifetime to Disney World, only to come back to the saddest news you’ll ever hear. Brace yourself. Dad gets sick and in October, he dies. life.feels.over. The pain runs deep, I know. But RESTORATION is coming. 

That December you move to Sacramento, to live with Scott and Theresa. You start community college and in February you walk into a Jamba Juice to apply for a job. This, is the where you will find Jesus. No he’s not in the juice, but he lives in the heart of someone special there. This place is the best job in the world for you. It is a family there, you start to laugh-alot, and begin to find your self esteem because you’re actually really good at something again.  The manager and assistant manager will become life long friends and mentors to you. Unfortunately your bad decisions and life from San Jose will follow you there. You just can’t kick those old habits and end up getting into some trouble. But you have to hit rock bottom, before you can find your way up.

This is where the story changes. Get ready. The assistant manager from Jamba invites you to this thing called Absolute. It’s a college group at a church. What? yeah I know. the C-word. Church. For some reason (God’s grace) you go. you love it. During worship people are raising their hands and for some reason you want to do the same. The worship leader is a man, and he’s so tenderhearted and vulnerable up there. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before. You go for a while and one night after a service, where you feel like a spotlight is on you because the Pastor is speaking right to YOU, you go home to your tiny apartment, put on the “I could sing of your love forever” CD that someone told you to buy, you kneel down, and you surrender to Jesus. You give your life to Him. and you MEAN it. The next day you go outside to throw away your drugs and alcohol and no kidding, the world seems new and BRIGHTER. Something is different. 

I wish I could say it was easy from there, but it isn’t. It’s hard, you feel lonely sometimes and guilty for your past. It’s hard to walk away from that lifestyle and those friends. But in time you will see that it is so WORTH IT. Jesus is worth it. he becomes your everything. 

After battling for a year you get SOBER. Totally sober. and you still are to this day. You don’t even desire that junk anymore. And I’ll tell you a secret, life is WAY more fun this way anyway. 

You decide community college isn’t where you want to be, you go to BIBLE college. I know, crazy. You learn a lot about God  and who HE is. It changes you. 

After a year of bible classes,  you feel a like you’re suppose to go to a discipleship program called Master’s Commission. Get ready to be put in a Jesus microwave because change comes fast and hard those first two years. You find complete wholeness in Jesus. He HEALS you from ALL of your past. No more depression or anxiety. He shows you that HE is your FATHER and He will never leave you nor forsake you. He believes in you. He has a PLAN for your life and he CAllS you into MINISTRY. Yes, I know, you are the least likely to ever be called to something like that, but he’s gonna use your past for HIS glory, and He’s gonna set others free by your testimony. You get no credit, it was all HIM. He gives you a new LIFE. 

I forgot to tell you one great detail. You meet your husband in that program. Yes, your husband. He waited his whole life for YOU. He prayed for you and waited patiently until Jesus brought you to him. The amazing thing is, he thinks you were worth waiting for. He never once judged you by your past. He sees you through Jesus’ eyes and knows that God has truly CHANGED you and made you new. He promised never to bring up your past to hurt you, or even to bring it up at all. He said it only needs to come up for testimony sake and to bring God glory for what he’s done. He holds tight to that promise. He’s an extension of Jesus’ mercy and grace to you. He loves you, real love, and it’s NOTHING like you’ve ever experienced before. You guys are made for each other. Oh and he’s a worship leader, which is super hot. He loves Jesus with all his heart and serves him daily. He’s a Pastor, and together you get to walk with college students as they learn to walk with Jesus. You both love what you get to do. 

He’s a package deal and you get AMAZING in laws, who love you like their own. His Dad even reminds you of your Dad sometimes, he’s really funny.  His Mom has prayed for you, and I’m pretty sure her prayers are what kept you safe during your worst times, and also helped bring you to Jesus. You love them dearly. 

You have a daughter, her name is Kinsley. Say goodbye to your heart, she steals it. You learn what a mother daughter relationship should be, through her. She restores the name MOMMY for you.  She is your JOY. She looks like her daddy and is GORGEOUS. You have so many hopes and dreams for her. You would give your life for her. God shows you deeper levels of  His love for us, as his children, through her. She teaches you so much. 

There is more pain you experience, through a miscarriage. But this loss is different, Jesus is right there with you and you feel His peace though it. There’s a waiting season for another baby. it’s hard, it gets ugly for a while. But listen close. God is FAITHFUL and GOOD. We’re awaiting the arrival of Nathan John, as we speak. He could come any day now. I’m sure he will have been worth the wait. 

So, 16 year old me. hold on. don’t give up. what satan has stolen and meant to use to destroy you, God turns around for GOOD. He is so faithful. 

Mother's heart

Tonight as we were eating dinner, Kinsley decided she wasn't hungry and she would rather throw food instead of eat. Then the whining started too. I was irritated and tired of hearing her fuss. I got her down and she ran off, still fussin. She came back, and I picked her up. I could tell she was a little warm, so I swooped her up and went to take her temperature. She had a little fever and so I decided to give her some tylenol. Into the kitchen we went. Then it happened, all of her lunch came back up in ridiculous chunks of yuck all down my body, to the tips of my toes, and all over her. Poor baby goo cried and cried, and got so upset that there was yuck all over the both of us.
I don't know what it is about being a Mom, but to me there was nothing gross about this. I sat down on the floor with her and gave her gentle kisses as chunks of mandarin oranges were still in her hair. We waited for a bit just make sure she was done, as not to get throw up on Nana's carpet.
In these moments I can't help bit think of my Jesus and his undying love for me. I think that's how it is sometimes. We look up in heaven covered in all our yuck, smelly, dirty and covered in shame. Covered in junk we've created and done to ourselves. Father God sees us through his eyes that just see love, he isn't surprised about what we're covered in, he saw it coming. He isn't mad either. He's glad that we've called out to him and he can clean us up.
I took Kinsley into the bathroom and stripped us both out of the puke covered clothes and ran a bath. She didn't want me to let her go. So there we sat in that warm bath and I took her cup and kept pouring the water over her, cleaning her up as she snuggled close to me. Little by little I could tell she was starting to feel better.
That's what Jesus does for us he hold us close and cleans us up, and when we finally find rest in him, we don't ever want to let him go either. We find our home and comfort in him.
I got my girl ready for bed, red to her, turned off the light and rocked her for a while. A lot longer than normal. I just didn't want to put her down. She sang "Sing, Sing, Sing" to me over and over. I just love her so much. She has no idea what she has done to my heart. Hopefully she'll understand someday when she's a mother...