dear 16 year old me....

Dear 16 year old me,

     Wow, I didn’t realize how hard it would be just to even type those words. Tears falling already. Right now you are in the middle of your Sophomore year. You just got out of the crazy hospital (as you call it) and the depression is so bad right now. One of the doctors slipped and told Dad one of your deepest hurts, the night at the park, the unspeakable act, now everyone knows and you feel WORTHLESS, and forever stained. The words that have been spoken over you, by the boys in that terrible neighborhood, you believe them to be true. 

School is completely down the drain, where you once excelled, your now in independent studies and so far behind, you’re not sure you’ll ever make it through. Life is filled with every depression drug they can shove down your throat, group therapy sessions, drugs and alcohol, and a desperation to find acceptance in boys that you’ll almost do anything to find it. I remember how you feel, and I wish I could reach back with the mother’s heart I have now (yes child, I said MOTHER’s heart, hold on, OUR story is about to change) and pick you up and hold you, and tell you every thing is going to work out WAY better than you EVER could have imagined. Someone is coming who will fill all those empty places and He will bring you the HOPE you so desperately  need. 

The rest of high school doesn’t get much better. Your senior year you end up with a boy who will tear you from your family, abuse you, and make you feel like you are more worthless than you already feel. One good thing comes out of that millennium year that is awesome: YOU GRADUATE. Yes, by the skin on your teeth you make it.  For a graduation present, you go with Scott and Theresa on a trip of a lifetime to Disney World, only to come back to the saddest news you’ll ever hear. Brace yourself. Dad gets sick and in October, he dies. life.feels.over. The pain runs deep, I know. But RESTORATION is coming. 

That December you move to Sacramento, to live with Scott and Theresa. You start community college and in February you walk into a Jamba Juice to apply for a job. This, is the where you will find Jesus. No he’s not in the juice, but he lives in the heart of someone special there. This place is the best job in the world for you. It is a family there, you start to laugh-alot, and begin to find your self esteem because you’re actually really good at something again.  The manager and assistant manager will become life long friends and mentors to you. Unfortunately your bad decisions and life from San Jose will follow you there. You just can’t kick those old habits and end up getting into some trouble. But you have to hit rock bottom, before you can find your way up.

This is where the story changes. Get ready. The assistant manager from Jamba invites you to this thing called Absolute. It’s a college group at a church. What? yeah I know. the C-word. Church. For some reason (God’s grace) you go. you love it. During worship people are raising their hands and for some reason you want to do the same. The worship leader is a man, and he’s so tenderhearted and vulnerable up there. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before. You go for a while and one night after a service, where you feel like a spotlight is on you because the Pastor is speaking right to YOU, you go home to your tiny apartment, put on the “I could sing of your love forever” CD that someone told you to buy, you kneel down, and you surrender to Jesus. You give your life to Him. and you MEAN it. The next day you go outside to throw away your drugs and alcohol and no kidding, the world seems new and BRIGHTER. Something is different. 

I wish I could say it was easy from there, but it isn’t. It’s hard, you feel lonely sometimes and guilty for your past. It’s hard to walk away from that lifestyle and those friends. But in time you will see that it is so WORTH IT. Jesus is worth it. he becomes your everything. 

After battling for a year you get SOBER. Totally sober. and you still are to this day. You don’t even desire that junk anymore. And I’ll tell you a secret, life is WAY more fun this way anyway. 

You decide community college isn’t where you want to be, you go to BIBLE college. I know, crazy. You learn a lot about God  and who HE is. It changes you. 

After a year of bible classes,  you feel a like you’re suppose to go to a discipleship program called Master’s Commission. Get ready to be put in a Jesus microwave because change comes fast and hard those first two years. You find complete wholeness in Jesus. He HEALS you from ALL of your past. No more depression or anxiety. He shows you that HE is your FATHER and He will never leave you nor forsake you. He believes in you. He has a PLAN for your life and he CAllS you into MINISTRY. Yes, I know, you are the least likely to ever be called to something like that, but he’s gonna use your past for HIS glory, and He’s gonna set others free by your testimony. You get no credit, it was all HIM. He gives you a new LIFE. 

I forgot to tell you one great detail. You meet your husband in that program. Yes, your husband. He waited his whole life for YOU. He prayed for you and waited patiently until Jesus brought you to him. The amazing thing is, he thinks you were worth waiting for. He never once judged you by your past. He sees you through Jesus’ eyes and knows that God has truly CHANGED you and made you new. He promised never to bring up your past to hurt you, or even to bring it up at all. He said it only needs to come up for testimony sake and to bring God glory for what he’s done. He holds tight to that promise. He’s an extension of Jesus’ mercy and grace to you. He loves you, real love, and it’s NOTHING like you’ve ever experienced before. You guys are made for each other. Oh and he’s a worship leader, which is super hot. He loves Jesus with all his heart and serves him daily. He’s a Pastor, and together you get to walk with college students as they learn to walk with Jesus. You both love what you get to do. 

He’s a package deal and you get AMAZING in laws, who love you like their own. His Dad even reminds you of your Dad sometimes, he’s really funny.  His Mom has prayed for you, and I’m pretty sure her prayers are what kept you safe during your worst times, and also helped bring you to Jesus. You love them dearly. 

You have a daughter, her name is Kinsley. Say goodbye to your heart, she steals it. You learn what a mother daughter relationship should be, through her. She restores the name MOMMY for you.  She is your JOY. She looks like her daddy and is GORGEOUS. You have so many hopes and dreams for her. You would give your life for her. God shows you deeper levels of  His love for us, as his children, through her. She teaches you so much. 

There is more pain you experience, through a miscarriage. But this loss is different, Jesus is right there with you and you feel His peace though it. There’s a waiting season for another baby. it’s hard, it gets ugly for a while. But listen close. God is FAITHFUL and GOOD. We’re awaiting the arrival of Nathan John, as we speak. He could come any day now. I’m sure he will have been worth the wait. 

So, 16 year old me. hold on. don’t give up. what satan has stolen and meant to use to destroy you, God turns around for GOOD. He is so faithful.